I bend, I don't break!

I'm sitting here in reflection exactly four years after my ex husband tried to take my life.

It was November 6, 2011. Funny, I have no recollection of the time though. Everything just happened so fast. One moment I was doing just as I am doing now, writing. However, the next few moments would find me defending the lives of my children and myself. 

I think it is interesting, though not by coincidence, that on the heels of such a life changing event, I find myself once again in a tumultuous situation regarding my child. I love how strategic God is in the way He works. His timing is everything. 

Here I am four years later, and I have a chance encounter with my former abuser in a tattoo shop of all places. I mean really? A tattoo shop! And on my birthday of all days? While I was getting the name of my newborn daughter branded on me? What's the likelihood? And of course, as one would hope against, but imagine nonetheless, he was belligerent. Calling me out of my name and trying to intimidate me with his belittling "Little Girl", and his puffed up chest and balled up fists. He picked up where he left off four years ago when his manipulation held me captive.

In that moment, I ignored him. I remembered my deliverance and I felt sad that he was still captive in the same place. I must admit, however, that I was shaken as all of the bad memories flooded me at once. The adrenaline powered me as I left that shop in a hurry slipping into another to escape the awkwardness of the situation. 

That evening I searched my soul for an answer. "Why would God allow me to see this man after all of these years?"

"And why in this condition?" I mean after all , I only have three of his children who he hasn't seen or asked about since 2011. "Why didn't he ask about them?" I couldn't understand it.  But finally,  in the gentle, calming, and gentlemanly way that God often reveals things,  He offered a response... "Trust Me." And just like that I knew.

I didn't see my ex to throw me into a panic, nor did I see him to see how stagnant he had become, but rather God allowed that encounter to strengthen me. God allowed me that meeting to remind me of where he had delivered me from. God used that moment, he presented my ex in his vulgar, threatening, and irrational  behavior, but I walked inches in front of him and he did not harm me. God did not allow me harm from what he had delivered me from. Instead in that moment God said, " Claudine if I delivered you from this, then there is not a single situation that is bigger than Me."

After that, I knew it was pertaining to things to come. 

Low and behold, weeks later, I receive insight that my newborn's father is taking me to court. A man that does nothing for our innocent baby, but hides behind the lie that I will not allow him the chance to visit with his child. And in that particular moment, when I felt tears of anger and feelings of rage building, I remembered the incident that occurred almost a month before and I found joy. 

I serve a God that already has this situation handled. Just like He delivered me exactly as life began to escape me in 2011, He will handle this situation as well. God sees all and knows all and I praise Him now more than ever for November 6, 2011. I praise Him for what He has done and what He will do. I am excited for my future. But, most of all I thank God for a bendable, but unbreakable spirit!

Father by Blood

What were you Thinking?

So many times I get asked this question and my answer is always the same... death was not an option.

Maybe it was the Holy Spirit talking to me on the many occasions when I was in the heat of the battle with my ex husband, but either way I never once believed "He's going to kill me". I don't really know how to explain it but I always knew that there would be an end to the episode. Quite honestly I thought he would kill himself before he would kill me.

Contrastingly, my biggest fear when I was not engaged in war with him was a murder suicide. Maybe I fell victim to the all too common "It won't happen to me" epidemic, but looking back I'm not sure if that was really it either.

Even now I still can't briefly answer this question so let me just paint the picture...

"Come with me now" Claudine!

Father's Day

Take Your Ring!

"Give me your hand Claudine!"

"No! Stop it! You're going to break my finger and right in front of the kids!?!"

I pulled my hand away from him as he fought unrelentlessly to take hold of it.

"Get out of the car or I'm going to pull you out."

I thought for a second knowing that he could very well make good on his threat. But something inside of me told me that things would only get worse if I followed his command.

"Look, I'm not getting out of the car. Stop being irrational and I'm not giving you back the ring. We are married, I am your wife! What is going on with you?"

"What's going on with me?!? You the one walking around here with make up, lip gloss and tight a$$ pants on!"

"What?!? Are you serious? I'm out with you and my clothes are not tight! They are just not baggy, I'm not a man! If that's what you like then I can't help you!"

As you can imagine my careless choice of words did not help the situation. Almost immediately he reached into the car and pulled me half way out of the window. I tried with all of my strength to resist his pull but lost to his size and strength.

"Stop, stop! Please! You can have your stupid ring! You are scaring the kids and hurting me. It's not that serious."

My daughters whimpered in the back seat as they sat witness to their father's brutal treatment of me, but he had no regard for them and completely ignored the fact that they were even there. I fought with my now swollen finger to get the ring off, but it wouldn't budge. Shades of purple began mixing with a greenish blue to replace the natural brown tone of my ring finger. Finally, he grew tired of my failing attempts and grabbed my hand ripping the ring from my finger.


PAIN radiated down my entire hand and I pulled it close to my heart desperately trying to ameliorate the throbbing and sharp ache that had taken over.

I could only imagine what the neighbors were thinking as this entire scenario unfolded directly outside of one of the houses in my parent's neighborhood. But, at that point any pride that I had was replaced by agony and anger at my oversized bully of a husband.

"You have your ring, now leave!"

But of course to add insult to injury(literally) he took my ring, an alleged symbol of our love, and threw it clear across the field near the houses.

"There! Now go get your ring! Since you don't want to be my wife that's where it belongs. In the street just like you!

Almost instantly, I forgot about the pain in my hand replaced now by the pain in my heart. Without a word to him, I drove off. And I could hear him yelling...

"See! I knew you didn't care!

At a loss for words, I caught a glimpse of my girls in the rear view and tried hard to dispel thoughts of the damage being witness to that ordeal would cause. But, the reality of the matter was that they were once again the hardest hit...

Didn't See That Coming..

At a Loss