"Okay okay... just put the gun down. I'll come with you! I'll do whatever you want, just put the gun away, PLEASE!"
He pushed me up against the wall, gun to my face.
"You think I need a gun to kill you?!?! I can use my bare hands. You think I'm some punk b@&c!? I can snap your neck right now if I wanted to."
The smell of liquor was fresh on his breath. He pressed his body up against mine pinning me against the wall. My blood ran cold though my veins and the only sound was the thunderous beating of my heart.
He held me there for a moment before continuing in his drunken stupor...
"Are you cheating on me?!?! Are you f&*k!ng some ni&&a?"
I swallowed to keep from crying, but a tear escaped anyway. I had no idea what he was ranting about!!! Nothing had happened. One minute we were having a quiet evening at home, the next he was literally at my throat. My children of course were off somewhere taking cover as usual and I tried to comply to diffuse the situation.
Today I feel so far removed from that awful scenario which was once my grim reality. Everyday I woke up in fear that one day my children and I wouldn't wake up!!! I was sleeping with one eye open, keeping watch over my kids by bunking in their room just to make sure they were safe. I would find any reason to stay up late, or better yet any excuse to stay over my mother's house for the evening.
I was scared! Terrified that my unstable police officer husband would neglect his civic or rather domestic duty to PROTECT his family and actually endanger or FLAT OUT take our lives. I waited in fear for him to load his weapon just to unload it into our flesh. I waited in horror for him to lose it one quiet evening and shoot us soundly as we slept before taking his own life as well. I prayed that my family would never have to endure the grief that the headlines "Murder Suicide at 1627 Howard Chapel Court"would bring them.
I was afraid but I stayed, crippled by fear, immobilized by threats, waiting for an escape or waiting for it to happen. I look back now and I am shocked by my actions, but I can remember that overwhelming feeling of loneliness and being trapped.
I remember wondering if this was it, every time a fight would ensue. I remember being worried for my children, and I remember being mad at myself for neglecting to take action...
And when it almost happened, when he cornered me into a closet pounding me with his blows. When he promised that he would take my life and his. When he terrorized my oldest child lifting her to the ceiling and throwing her to the floor, when he struck my baby boy, and put fear into my youngest girl with his illogical questions, when he near killed me, when I had no way out... GOD rescued us!!!
Today I feel so far removed from that awful scenario which was once my grim reality. Everyday I woke up in fear that one day my children and I wouldn't wake up!!! I was sleeping with one eye open, keeping watch over my kids by bunking in their room just to make sure they were safe. I would find any reason to stay up late, or better yet any excuse to stay over my mother's house for the evening.
I was scared! Terrified that my unstable police officer husband would neglect his civic or rather domestic duty to PROTECT his family and actually endanger or FLAT OUT take our lives. I waited in fear for him to load his weapon just to unload it into our flesh. I waited in horror for him to lose it one quiet evening and shoot us soundly as we slept before taking his own life as well. I prayed that my family would never have to endure the grief that the headlines "Murder Suicide at 1627 Howard Chapel Court"would bring them.
I was afraid but I stayed, crippled by fear, immobilized by threats, waiting for an escape or waiting for it to happen. I look back now and I am shocked by my actions, but I can remember that overwhelming feeling of loneliness and being trapped.
I remember wondering if this was it, every time a fight would ensue. I remember being worried for my children, and I remember being mad at myself for neglecting to take action...
And when it almost happened, when he cornered me into a closet pounding me with his blows. When he promised that he would take my life and his. When he terrorized my oldest child lifting her to the ceiling and throwing her to the floor, when he struck my baby boy, and put fear into my youngest girl with his illogical questions, when he near killed me, when I had no way out... GOD rescued us!!!
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